It started with the current RTE Guide Magazine with ”R-Patz” and “K-Stew” on the front and my Dad, holding it says to me, “They’re both ugly aren’t they?”. I asked him did he know who they were and he said no. I told him that they were stars of the one of the world’s biggest movie franchises and he says, “Well I wouldn’t be watching any of that shite.”

The ignorance that comes with middle age in relation to modern culture is HIGHLY amusing as I experienced in a single day, that is today, when hanging out in the family home. Aside from being blissfully unaware in what is going on with the youthful world he made some other ridiculous comments that I will also list below.

When dramatically miming to Abba’s Winner Takes It All (I’ll make no apologies) he looks at me dead-pan and comments: “You should be on stage.” I inform him of my unpleasant singing voice and he says, “Well you can sing in tune. It’d be very entertaining.”

I decide to make him a sandwich for lunch: cheese, tomatoes, toasted.

“You’d make a great housewife, are you putting in onions?”

“No, no onions, do you want onions?”

“No, it’s okay.”

Whilst eating the sandwiches the mother appears, “How are the sandwiches?”

“Great. No onions though.”

I must have been offered tea every two hours. He justified it by informing me that some of the lads in work drink “seven or eight coffees a day!”

I was playing some tunes. Republic Of Loose’s “I Like Music” came on, “What is he saying? I like muesli? Do you like muesli?”

A quaint rendition of The Offspring’s hit single: “Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh, and all the girls in town say I’m something something something….”

Amy Winehouse: “Pappa said I gotta go to rehab but I said no, no no…”

“If you’re having girl problems I feel sorry for you son. I got 99 problems and a bitch ain’t one.”

“As long as I don’t end up on The Twitter I’m okay”

1. Have blonde highlights

2. Roots started to show

3. Wanted to get my Christmas hair done a month before so it would look decent in time for the holidays – it always takes a while to “settle”

3. Dyed under-layer of hair pink to take away from the gigantic roots I had developed

4. Went to the hair-dressers to book appointment

5. Pink doesn’t come out of blonde as easily as I’d like…

Hair is an expensive business. The upkeep of blonde hair is even more expensive. Ye ould dark roots began to show in extreme measures a couple o’ weeks ago so as a bizarre strategy to make it less obvious I decided to dye a section of my hair pink. It was a way of postponing a trip to the hairdressers so my Christmas hair could be done closer to…Christmas. In retrospect is was very foolish even if I did look extremely funky and down with the kids. Pink, or any colour for that matter, will stick to blonde hair like a The Clap to a sexually irresponsible individual. The trip to the hairdressers was undertaken where a number of things (which I will outline below) were noted, as well as their disgust at my experiment.

Tea

They do great tea at the hairdressers. It’s in plentiful supply and over the four hours (yes, that’s right four hours, I’ve a thick oul head o’ hair) that I spend there I might have 3 mugs o’ it and tis always accompanied by these really nice little biscuits. It’s bleedin’ whopper.

The Magazines 

There are five types of magazine’s to be found in the hairdressers:

A. Hair Magazines

B. Bridal Magazines

C. Glossies (Cosmo, Elle, Look, More, Vanity Fair

D. Celeb/British Royal Family Magazines: (OK, Hello)

E. True Life Magazines (Chat, Woman’s Way)

Three of these categories I do not require a glance at and the other two are grand for an oul casual read. On a recent visit I had one of the girls who worked there place a heap of “True Life” magazine’s in front of me. I have some friends who are really into these kinds of magazines, some bizarre taste thing…but I just don’t think I’d strike anyone as the kind of person who would have any interest in hearing about how some British Biddy murdered her dogs baby sitter after losing a leg after having sex with her half-sisters husband. Without haste I was up out of the chair and swapped them for the glossies/OKs.

The Gossip

I have no interest in the chats with the hairdressers: it’s always to loud what with hairdryers constantly on et al. but some people do. I’m sure the stuff you’d find out would be fascinating I am glad most of the girls I see are smart enough to realise that I’m not there for a social call.

The Honesty

Blatant honesty, almost to a level of disrespect, can be experienced at your hairdressers. I was told that my hair, aside from the pink, looked very yellow: “Bu’ dats just wha happens”. “Ya won’ get dat pink ou’, even if we chemically strip i’ ders no guarantee…” A friend of mine was once told: “Y’have loadsa grey hairs!”

Charming.

The Ugliness 

This may also tie in with the above paragraph.

Due to the extreme amount of lighting in the salon there are a lot of very honest mirrors around. There’s one you’re forced to stare at for the majority of the time you spend sitting getting the dye/chop…looking into the depths of your soul, the bags under your eyes, the redness building up on your cheeks (perhaps associated with become old of age), marks on your face. Until my hair job is complete, and perhaps still after I just feel so unbelievably hideous…a face for radio.

The Outrageous Sinks 

Worse than the dentists chair. I hope I’m not alone in this because I think they are the most ridiculous invention of all time: The sinks where they wash your hair – COULD THEY BE PHYSICALLY MORE UNCOMFORTABLE? Unless they decided to stab you whilst they washed your hair I think the answer is no. The cold ceramic sink is shaped so that where you put your neck you get a big corner of the sink to rest it. You have to hold your shoulders up to get in anyway comfortable. Who is the idiot to introduce these? Why hasn’t some clever Dyson-like person come up with a solution. The hairdressers is supposed to be a time of extreme pampering and relaxation yet half way through you get this hideous experience. Awful Awful Awful.

So anyway I got my hair done and yer wan dyed the pink as dark as she could but it was still there and I kinda liked it. When she was cutting the layers into it (men: cutting certain sections shorter) she seemed reluctant, “if I cut that, you’ll be able te see de pink!” “Yeah, I kinda want that.” “…..okay…..”

James: *I couldn’t find a picture of this particular cat so instead here’s a picture of me as a baby, acting like a 4 legged creature.* 

Also known as Tommy, Kitty and Keekee depending on which family member was addressing him. He was a beautiful, slinky, tiny black cat who was extremely shy and very much bullied on our street when he went galavanting. He didn’t like to be held much but needless to say I enjoyed doing so. Late at night one could hear him getting up to all sorts of hi-jinks with other cats: read being raped by “Hector” – the street’s gigantic tom-cat and local cat bully. I can imagine it was something reminiscent of the attack scenes in Shawshank Redemption by “The Sisters”…James even caught the mange at one point in his life following many late-nite fights with Hector and there was talk of him being put-down but he recovered eventually.

Poor James was a weak cat and after two-three years with us he disappeared, seemingly he went off to die somewhere, the poor little crater. Sooooo after the grieving period we took in a fluff ball of delight and mayhem…

Chewy: 

Chewy was named after Chewbacca because she looked like that lad from that film Harry And The Hendersons Star Wars. She was a mad yolk altogether and made herself known to the neighbours by jumping into a house on the street and exploring it at her ease. She also made great friends and enemies with a neighbours group o’ cats (a clowder o’ cats, fyi!) by regular going for her feeds in their owners gaf and proving to be quite a handful when they attempted to remove her from the premises. She died in a most tragic way when she went off up galavanting to a near-by main road where she was run over. Naturally, I strongly dislike cats but I was sad to see this one go – she was tremendous fun and great craic!

Lori: 

Lori was named after the car, Delorean. She was also a rescue cat and unlike the other two before her she is extremely friendly and loves attention. Unfortunately, following her settling in period she took to our streets and scared the shite out of one of our neighbours, with a fear of cats, when she was found lying on a bed in their spare room. The neighbours managed to get her to jump out the window and on to their porch roof which she could not get down from so she sang quite loudly up there for a large portion of the afternoon until another neighbour climbed up and fetched her. She hasn’t been up to very much since, what might have been a traumatic event, so much so that it is suspected that she has become agoraphobic. She doesn’t leave her bed very often and as a result she has put on a severe amount of weight; currently weighing aproximately 8kgs, to put that into perspective that is 2kgs less than the amount you are allowed to carry onto a plane. The fatness has only made her cuter, it must be noted.

In conclusion: Cats are not very nice but if you happen to end up owning one for whatever reason you might find that you will find them quite entertaining. The following video is very delightful indeed, please enjoy!

Finally I have come to the end of the fantastical and tremendously wonderful insight into the many many talented candidates for the Irish Presidential Race 2011. It’s very safe to say that not one of them has anything to hide and no matter who gets chosen I am just so excited (not excited at all) to have them represent this beautiful Emerald Island o’ Ireland, the greatest country in the world. Ever.

In 10 years time when I am of age I will reveal myself to you all and expect you to vote for me, this is of course assuming that old man D. Higgins get’s the vote dies after three years and then someone else takes over. I’m not saying I hope the cuteness that is Micky D dies but if he does, it’ll be my turn after the wan who takes over after him. I’m confused: here comes a terrorist candidate:

Sinn Féin: Martin McGuinness (pictured with his best bud Iano P) 

Tag Line: “The People’s President” – as long as you’re not a black n tan, durty Protestant he’ll represent yo’!

Innovation: Probably slightly weary of the frontline politics Marty Mac wants a shot o’ the throne…or, well, I mean he wants to be the 1st citizen o’ Ireland…the Irish throne I meant there….not the Brits. Sure he loves the Brits, they’re a great bunch o’ lads!

Controversy: He *used* to be a member of the infamous and highly glamourous terrorist organisation the IRA. He’s put those days behind him and despite having availed of fire-arms he’s NEVER shot anyone.

Pros: If you’d like Ireland to be ruled as one as a Republic this is the lad you ought to vote for, with the backing of the Irish Republican Army he’ll sort us out no bother and get the six occupied counties back from the motherland in no time.

Aesthetics: Big Smile, Curly (used to be red but now grey) hair, a very happy man indeed. Scary Northern accent however especially when the following words are used: paramilitary, fundamental, sectarian, situation.

Now go one and all and cast yizzer vote, men died to give us the right so go an’ do it now Now NOW….or on Thursday, 27th of October 2011. Just remember nobody listens to Dana anymore.

Tag Line: ”Understands in our past. Believes in our future.” Initially himself and Mary III had the same tag line, how embarassingly uncreative! There is something about this tag line that I find completely shite and uninspiring – it’s far too vague and vacuous.

Innovation: Gay Mitchell reminds me very much of the character in The Simpsons who showed the school children around the Box Factory.

There’s something extremely dull about Gay, dull but reliable so maybe he is the man for the job.

Controversy: Unlike his name, Gay, Gay does not like the gays of Irleand and has come out *pun intended* with some outlandish remarks against Gay marriage and further offending many gays in good ould gay Ireland. Perhaps a confusing amount of the word “gay” used in that sentence. He also made an unfortuante bad joke about suicide on chat radio station News Talk saying that he would “Jump off O’ Connell Bridge” if he was asked to smile. ..as well as being dull he may be slightly thick.

Pros: He doesn’t approve of the homosexual community, it would seem, so if you find yourself to be incredibly right-wing in political beliefs this is the lad for you.

Aesthetics: He has grey floppy hair that may actaully be a comb-over and dark black eye brows. He has a big nose, he kind of looks like Alf: “Remember Alf Bart?? Well he’s back, in pog form!” – Milhouse van Outen, The Simpsons (ep: Bart Sells His Soul).

I am after spending the last 15 minutes writing some hilarious stuff about the Sinn Féiner Alas! the internet crashed and I am quite annoyed. I will come back to him post haste where I will write all about him and his best bud Ian Paisley.

Independent: Dana Rosemary Scallon (A younger Dana pictured pretending to play guitar…a woman playing guitar?? Me arse!) 

Tag Line: Couldn’t be found online but to quote Father Ted, “No one listens to Dana anymore!” “Father BIgley listens to Dana and he’s not mad.” “Why is he in that home then?”

Innovation: There are all kinds of everything *ba dum tish* to like about the sweet female with her loveliness and pleasantries, think of her as the female Daniel O’Donnell…

Controversy: She’s been throwing around all sorts of sordid language. According to Wikipedia: When asked by Ryan Tubridy if she would refuse to sign any bill threatening Bunreacht na hÉireann she responded by saying “You bet your boots I would”. BOOT BETTING?? Surely there’s no need for that kind o’ profanity at all now Dana.

Pros: She won the Eurovision: Europe loves the Eurovision: Europe will love Dana: Dana representing Ireland: Europe loves Ireland: Europe gives Ireland money: Ireland becomes rich again.

Aesthetics: She hasn’t aged a day since the video below, you may need to mute this video to bear watching it. Check out her weird gob movements.

Labour: Michael D. Higgins (pictured reciting lines for his upcoming musical “My Precious”) 

Tag Line: ”The President who will do us proud.” …one probably should add on to that…”definitely only for the initial 7 years” <– this would be handy for the country because it would be less time for the state to have to pay him a state pension. The man is, after all, as old as the hills!

Innovation: Despite his hobbit like ways, one would be VERY surprised to know that he was NOT, that’s not, involved in any of the following films: The Lord Of The Rings, Harry Potter, Willow, Trolls 2.

Controversy: He’s seventy and may perchance contract any of the following disorders at anytime whilst in office: dementia, senility, decomposition, Rigor Mortis.

Pros: At a mere 3 ft in height he is the smallest Presidential Candidate and terribly cute and for this reason, maybe, he deserves your vote.

Aesthetics: Looks somewhat like Einstein, due to his dwarf-like height the staff at the Áras would have to rebuild all kitchen work tops and tables et al. to suit his smaller stature. This itself could be considered a tourist attraction for visitors and as a result have excellent money-making potential for the country men (and women) o’ Éireann.

Coming Soon: The Sinn Féiner & the Fine Gaeler.

Word.

After 14 years in the Áras, living it up in the Phoenix Park, it’s time for President Mary II to haul ass out of there and let some political wannabe (wanting of the 300 million thousand million hundred Euro Dollas per annum that is) who gets to jet set around the globe representing the fantastic nation o’ Ireland. SOoooooo who will it be??!

As with the ingenious Theophrastus Bombastus General Election anaysis produced earlier in the year, here will be a concise run-down of the Presidential Candidates that will be highly insulting, in-informative and will in no way assist you in choosing who to vote for in any way. Brace Yizzerselves.

Independent: Mary Davis (modelling on the catwalk with curves rivalling that of Beyoncé)

Tag Line: “Pride at home. Respect Abroad.” – what in goodness name is that supposed to mean?

Innovation: Mary probably thinks she’s in with a shot because, like the two oul wans before her, she’s called Mary.

Controversy: Mary’s campaign posters have been an amusing source of contention having been compared to that of a Special K advertising campaign. Mary has spoken out about her posters saying that they were 90% good lighting and 10% airbrushing.

Pros: She’s quite athletic and the glamourous posters could surely allow her to bring some snazzaroo into the Áras, if she gets elected…she probably won’t.

Aesthetics: Blond hair, blue eyes, a lady in red.

Independent: Seán Gallagher (with the wife and once again a politician is pictured displaying ANY opportunity to be photographed for publicity)

Tag Line: ”Together – Let’s be the change.” – Some lackadaisical plagiarising of Barack Obama no doubt.

Innovation: A business man possibly not doing so well since the economic decline and perhaps could do with a few hundred thousand euro a year and a cushy lifestyle with a nice back garden with room for a pony.

Controversy: This man had a bit of a TV career, I was fortunate enough to meet him in a late nite eatery (Charlies, Camden Street) in the depths of winter last year. He was a nice man but I have to ask myself now – do I like the idea of Ireland’s leader eating in a fast food restaurant? Simply: No.

Pros: With his entrepreneurial experience he claims he will create many, many jobs for the Irish public. He likes the environment as a result he is quite possibly putting his campaign in jeopardy by NOT printing publicity posters.

Aesthetics: Seán is a bald man. Worldly surveys say that people trust politicians with hair more than those who don’t have hair thus meaning that Mister Gallager is not to be trusted.

Independent: David Norris (forget the Phoenix Park Mister Norris should join the likes of Scoopy Scoopy Doggy Dogg and the Cripps.)

Tag Line: ”A triumph for truth, human decency, and hope.” - A powerful quote but nothing on his idol James Joyce.

Innovation: Posh, well-spoken, the opposite of a mans man, would probably not be the best drinkin’ buddy of the Irish farmers but he’d no doubt represent us amongst the foreign elitists.

Controversy: We’ve all heard about the letters and quite frankly I don’t care. However can Catholic Ireland have a gay Protestant as its leader? Giving it and taking it like it were Brokeback Mountain….oh the enjoyable rough and tumble of the homosexual lifestyle!

Pros: A glamourous gay in the Arse…I mean Áras – surely he’ll be a great oul barrel o’ laughs. He has a great knowledge of literature and a delightful history of being an eccentric academic.

Aesthetics: Looks and speaks like he belongs in a time circa the mid 19th Century.

That’s me bleedin’ input for just about half of our candidates, Coming Soon: a Northern singer, a hobbit, a terrorist and another Gay.

DOS:

1) Clip your toe-nails pre-race

This was an issue I did not consider at all prior to running the race. It was very foolish. Peeling the bloody socks off one’s feet post race was nothing short of completely and utterly disgusting around the toe-nail area. Toe-nail bruising that had been previously picked up from a wagon in stilettos stomping on me in a Club O’ The Night reappeared after a long haul of trying to grow it out, needless to say it looks vile and purple and half coming off…tasty!

2) Sing a Song in your head

Singing Queens Of The Stone Age’s Burn The Witch (TUANE!) got me through at least 5 miles of the race. It has a steady, repetitive beat and it assisted with keeping my mind off the possible and probable pain that was being suffered at the time. Please enjoy the QOTSA song here and consider training with it in the near future!

DON’TS:

1) Listen to the general chit-chat of other racers en route to the race

For the 1/2 Marathon in which I competed there was a shuttle bus that every racer took to the start line. I had the pleasure of sitting behind a pair of randomers who did nothing other than talk all about the difficulty of the race at hand…or foot *ba dum tish*. They babbled about all their racing achievements. The hardships of the race ahead and how much of a challenge it was going to be; freaked, completely freaked so I bleedin’ was.

2) Wear shorts that will chafe

Short-shorts can be very helpful when you’re out an about running around your regular route. Perhaps you have found in the past that the mix of sweat and rubbing together of material and skin caused by vigorous movement has caused your skin to become sore or irritated in a rash-like way. Perhaps you have never noticed this and this seems concept maniacal until you go jogging in an unsuitable pair of slacks. All’s I’m saying up in here is that ya’ll ought to wear in your gear before you compete in it. Word.

BOLLOXED TOENAILS: UNSUITABLE RUNNING FOOTWEAR

as

CHAFING: UNSUITABLE RUNNING SHORTS

3) Waste your time eating healthy the night before

Large Starter

Larger Main Course

2 Large Glasses of White Wine

1 Bottle o’ Miller

Small tub of Ben & Jerry’s

Above is a succinct list of the items I consumed the eve before the race. I then ran the greatest damned race of my life…so far. Previously I have ran races whereby I stopped drinking for weeks in advance, stopped eating all things god in the world such as cheeses and chocolates and pastries….mmmmm….pastries….eh…I digress. Hanyway eating healthily is all well and good but if you generally do that anyway in life there’s no point going all out insane and strict on yourself, this has been proven to me, by myself, the easy way. I’m now off to visit my local 5-in-1.

*Weah weah weeeaaaahhhh*

March ’11 was a good month: please enjoy the following tracks which I listened to throughout this month.

A special mention must go out to the following:

Warpaint, I’ll be seeing them soon in Dublin for what will be a most chilled night of delightful vocals.

Shoctopus, Dublin mad men. Their song One For The Road contains one of the most incredible guitar riffs I’ve heard – almost as great as Eddie Van Halen’s Beat It fantasmo!

Apocalyptica, the Finnish string quartet who play some amazing metal all the while head-banging the night away! Check them before you wreck them!

Word.

The Creep – The Lonely Island (feat. Nicki Minaj)

The Time Is Now – Moloko

Castles In The Snow – Twin Shadow

Rope – Foo Fighters

Under Cover Of Darkness – The Strokes

Get Off – The Dandy Warhols

That Day – Villagers

Fire – Kasabian

Being a Dickhead’s Cool – The Grand Spectacular

One (Your Name) – Swedish House Mafia feat. Pharrell Williams

DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again – Usher ft. Pitbull

To Whom It Concerns – Robert Parkins 

Barbra Streisand – Duck Sauce

Ignition (Remix) – R Kelly

Gerrup Outta That – Dublin Rap

Things Can Only Get Better – D-Ream

The Only Way Is Up – Yazz

Swing, Swing – The All-American Rejects

The Langer Song – Tim O’Riordan

Heyday – Mic Christopher

Elephants – Warpaint

Uprising – Muse

Jumbo Breakfast Roll – Pat Shortt

Dearg Doom – Horslips

Something About Us – Daft Punk

This Train Dont Stop There Anymore – Elton John

Set Guitars To Kill – And So I Watch You From Afar 

One for the Road – Shoctopus

Goin’ Out West – Tom Waits

Death To All But Metal – Steel Panther

Girlfriend – Phoenix

Jenny Don’t Be Hasty – Paolo Nutini

Lady Marmalade – Labelle

Bad Romance – Lissie

Somebody To Love – Queen ft. George Michael

Quutamo – Apocalyptica

Please note some of the music is listened to, by me, in a sarcastic way, meaning; I may not actually like the song at all but it’s most amusing to be aware of it. An example of these kinds of songs include: Ronan Keating’s “When You Say Nothing At All”, Rihanna’s “Umbrella” and Taylor Swift’s “Love Story”.

Feb ’11

I Just Had Sex – The Lonely Island ft. Akon

Baby Elephant Walk

I Got 5 On It – Luniz

Like A Prayer – Jay Smith

I Was Made For Loving You – Kiss

4 Letters Love – Stikki Fingers

Rich – Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Sugar – System Of A Down

Undertow – Warpaint

On Melancholy Hill -Gorillaz

Strawberry Fields Forever – The Beatles

To Build A Home – Cinematic Orchestra

Undercover Martyn – Two Door Cinema Club

You Can Call Me Al – Paul Simon

Sultans Of Swing – Dire Straits

Objection (Tango) – Shakira

Check Your Self – Ice Cube

What’s Golden – Jurassic 5

I’m On A Boat – The Lonely Island ft. T-Pain

Pump Up The Jam – Technotronic

Miami 2 Ibiza -Swedish House Mafia Vs Tinie Te…

Who’s That Chick? -David Guetta ft. Rihanna

Stick to Your Line – R.S.A.G.

Exit Music (For a Film) – Radiohead

A Design For Life -Manic Street Preachers

Mr. Writer – Stereophonics

Careless Whisper – George Michael

Love Story – Taylor Swift

The Only Exception – Paramore

Darby’s Castle – Kris Kristo!erson

The Town I Loved So Well – The Dubliners

Maybe I’m Amazed – Wings

You’re Sixteen You’re Beautiful – Ringo Starr

Atomic – Blondie

Won’t Leave You Alone – The Coronas

Money For Nothing – Dire Straits

How Soon Is Now – The Smiths

Hot Blooded – Foreigner

Hit Me With Your Best Shot – Pat Benetar

I Gotta Feelin (Just Nineteen) – Eagles Of Death Metal

Penthouse Suite – Syd Dale