The Phunny Presidential Pursuit 2011

03Oct11

After 14 years in the Áras, living it up in the Phoenix Park, it’s time for President Mary II to haul ass out of there and let some political wannabe (wanting of the 300 million thousand million hundred Euro Dollas per annum that is) who gets to jet set around the globe representing the fantastic nation o’ Ireland. SOoooooo who will it be??!

As with the ingenious Theophrastus Bombastus General Election anaysis produced earlier in the year, here will be a concise run-down of the Presidential Candidates that will be highly insulting, in-informative and will in no way assist you in choosing who to vote for in any way. Brace Yizzerselves.

 

Independent: Mary Davis (modelling on the catwalk with curves rivalling that of Beyoncé)

Tag Line: “Pride at home. Respect Abroad.” – what in goodness name is that supposed to mean?

Innovation: Mary probably thinks she’s in with a shot because, like the two oul wans before her, she’s called Mary.

Controversy: Mary’s campaign posters have been an amusing source of contention having been compared to that of a Special K advertising campaign. Mary has spoken out about her posters saying that they were 90% good lighting and 10% airbrushing.

Pros: She’s quite athletic and the glamourous posters could surely allow her to bring some snazzaroo into the Áras, if she gets elected…she probably won’t.

Aesthetics: Blond hair, blue eyes, a lady in red.

 

 

Independent: Seán Gallagher (with the wife and once again a politician is pictured displaying ANY opportunity to be photographed for publicity)

Tag Line: ”Together – Let’s be the change.” – Some lackadaisical plagiarising of Barack Obama no doubt.

Innovation: A business man possibly not doing so well since the economic decline and perhaps could do with a few hundred thousand euro a year and a cushy lifestyle with a nice back garden with room for a pony.

Controversy: This man had a bit of a TV career, I was fortunate enough to meet him in a late nite eatery (Charlies, Camden Street) in the depths of winter last year. He was a nice man but I have to ask myself now – do I like the idea of Ireland’s leader eating in a fast food restaurant? Simply: No.

Pros: With his entrepreneurial experience he claims he will create many, many jobs for the Irish public. He likes the environment as a result he is quite possibly putting his campaign in jeopardy by NOT printing publicity posters.

Aesthetics: Seán is a bald man. Worldly surveys say that people trust politicians with hair more than those who don’t have hair thus meaning that Mister Gallager is not to be trusted.

 

Independent: David Norris (forget the Phoenix Park Mister Norris should join the likes of Scoopy Scoopy Doggy Dogg and the Cripps.)

Tag Line: ”A triumph for truth, human decency, and hope.” - A powerful quote but nothing on his idol James Joyce.

Innovation: Posh, well-spoken, the opposite of a mans man, would probably not be the best drinkin’ buddy of the Irish farmers but he’d no doubt represent us amongst the foreign elitists.

Controversy: We’ve all heard about the letters and quite frankly I don’t care. However can Catholic Ireland have a gay Protestant as its leader? Giving it and taking it like it were Brokeback Mountain….oh the enjoyable rough and tumble of the homosexual lifestyle!

Pros: A glamourous gay in the Arse…I mean Áras – surely he’ll be a great oul barrel o’ laughs. He has a great knowledge of literature and a delightful history of being an eccentric academic.

Aesthetics: Looks and speaks like he belongs in a time circa the mid 19th Century.

That’s me bleedin’ input for just about half of our candidates, Coming Soon: a Northern singer, a hobbit, a terrorist and another Gay.

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